Pink Toads and Lavender Goats
by Farsight020
Summary: You're a What?" continues. The day after "You're a What?" concluded, Albus Dumbledore and Dolores Umbridge dare to walk into Hannah Cook's coffee shop.


_A/N: Originally "You're a What?" was to end with the newspaper headlines in the last chapter. However, after I had written the final chapters, but before I had posted, my dear Padawan Shadow of the Night and several other wonderful readers reviewed and messaged me, informing me that they looked forward to seeing Dumbledore and Umbridge. It was then that I realized I had forgotten some of my favorite characters! So, my friends, you get a bonus story—Pink Toads and Lavender Goats._

_New readers should read "You're a What" first or it won't make any sense._

The day that Dolores Umbridge and Albus Dumbledore walked into Hannah Cook's coffee shop was the day that they almost died. Although Hannah's mood had been cheered by the headlines of that morning's Daily Prophet, she was still not in the mood to deal with Wizards and their Fruedian "I have a wand and you don't" complex. And these two were definitely magical. Although Hannah had not been formally introduced, the man's eyepopping lavender three piece suit (were those moons on the waistcoat?) and the woman's hideously hairy hot-pink suit gave it away.

The two arrived through the door at exactly the same time—to the point where (for one truly wonderful moment!) they found themselves stuck in the closet in the door—the short plump woman's elbow getting wedged in the thinner man's stomach and rib cage. Sadly, it lasted only a minute before the man backed out and gallantly bowed the woman through the door. (Hannah would have been much more impressed if the combination of bowing lavender suit and entering pink suit hadn't made her violently nauseated).

With their entrance, all conversation and activity stopped. Although most of her regulars had been polite enough (or uncaffeinated enough) to ignore the unlikely pair's undignified entrance, the combination of pink and purple (which Hannah now realized was entirely covered in shimmering moons) was distracting enough to pull even the most ardent worshipper of the morning god away from their inhalation of their morning coffee. The man received their attention as his rightful due, bestowing on all (including his companion) his condescending, twinkling gaze. The woman in her turn received the attention with a nose in the air glare—the type that the Queens of old gifted to those who dared look upon them, except on a face and body more reminiscent of a toad than a swan. There was no haughty nobility conveyed by this look. The only thing it did convey was constipation. The look she bestowed on the man in the lavender suit, however, was much easier to describe. It was sheer loathing. Although his expression wasn't quite so easy to read, Hannah got the impression that he wasn't too fond of her either. Still, despite their apparent animosity, they still proceeded together to Hannah's counter, again cutting off the line (a move met by many groans from Hannah's regulars, who found the line stalled for the second time in two days).

Despite their apparent semi-harmony in the walk up to the counter, the two clearly hadn't agreed on an order of debate, as they both began to speak at the same time.

"Miss Cook," the man in the lavender suit said, overlapping with pink suit's condescending "Young lady." Hearing their overlap, the two switched their attentions from Hannah to each other, twinkling and glaring as if they'd forgotten anyone else was in the room—or that they had cut Hannah's line. They certainly didn't notice that Hannah had redirected the line around them and began serving customers again. They were far too involved in their argument.

"Albus, I've come on important ministry business. I'm sure you appreciate how important it is for me to speak first."

"Ahh, but Dolores, my business is from the ministry and Hogwarts. With two such important institutions behind me, I'm sure you understand why it is important that I speak first."

"My business is related to the minister!" she said, sickeningly sweet still, though a blind troll could tell that she was beginning to lose her temper.

"My business has to do with the Boy-Who-Lived!" "Albus" was not losing his temper. Instead, he continued with the holier than thou attitude that Hannah had perceived when he first walked through the door.

The argument continued for nearly ten minutes more as they bickered like an unhappily married couple, or like two tacticians on a racing boat, always sickeningly, falsely polite, always convinced they were right, and never actually getting anywhere until at last Albus bowed gracefully out with a murmured "Ladies first" (which would have been more gracious had it occurred ten minutes prior). Nevertheless, Dolores seemed pleased when she was able to once more turn to Hannah and say, "Young lady," this time with no overlap.

She received no answer. Hannah simply continued serving customers.

"Young lady," she repeated more forcefully, still to no result. Hannah continued to ignore her.

Now Albus tried. "Miss Cook," he said. A voice across the room answered him.

"No, the other Miss Cook," he said, "the one who owns the coffeeshop." Hannah still ignored the pair, taking advantage of a break from serving customers to rearrange her coffee pots, French presses, and even stirring spoons in a most peculiar manner.

They continued to no avail. As far as they could tell, Miss Cook had gone deaf. The fact that she might simply not be disposed to listen to them never crossed their minds.

Eventually, Dolores gave up waiting for acknowledgment and launched into her tirade. "Young lady, I insist that you explain your treatment of the minister yesterday. A muggle like you taking out such a powerful wizard is not possible. Where are you hiding your wand? Or do you keep a pet muggle-loving wizard to do your work? It's muggles like you that threaten the entire wizarding world!" She looked up and down the counter as if she expected a teapot to transfigure itself into a wizard at any moment. Thankfully for her, most of the patrons had labeled her as a lunatic as soon as she had walked in in her hairy pink suit, so she was in no danger of breaking the International Statute of Secrecy. However, it was less easy to ignore her reaction when she realized that Hannah was still not paying her any attention. She shrieked and whipped out her wand, yelling an indecipherable spell, which catapulted towards Hannah, only to once again be blocked by a French press. This time, though, the spell took a glancing angle off the French press to rebound off several other teapots and French presses, bouncing off a silver spoon, and then heading back through several glass coffeepots to Umbridge who it hit and changed into a toad. Whether or not this was the original intent of the spell was hard to tell. After all, it was now quite impossible to ask Umbridge.

Although the customers were quite aware of the woman turned toad, Hannah seemed not to notice, so intent was she on mixing a customer's chai latte. She showed no reaction when Albus left the toad behind and came to the counter.

"Miss Cook, I am very disappointed in your behavior. I need you to convince Mr. Potter to continue his education at Hogwarts as is his destiny." He paused as he saw that Hannah did not seem to be listening. "Miss Cook, I really must insist…" Now she was checking her pastry arrangements and still clearly not listening. Now Albus tried a different tactic. "Miss Cook, I would like a coffee, black."

This, at least, elicited a response. "End of the line," she informed him, not looking up from her rearrangement of the croissants.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was not used to being ignored. He too pulled a wand and shot a spell at Hannah. We may never know what that spell was. It could have been something as innocent as a levitation charm, but it didn't matter because once the spell returned to him after ricocheting first off Hannah's French press and then around the entire shop, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore found himself in the shape of a goat.

Again, though her customers were agape at the strange event, Hannah seemed not to notice that a woman and a man had transformed into a toad and a goat in the middle of her coffeeshop. She simply finished making a cup of tea for the next customer before picking up the phone and dialing.

"Good morning. Is this Animal Control?"

Several hours later, when Aurors finally arrived to deal with reports of magic performed in front of muggles by illustrious civil servants, they found only a coffeeshop long since emptied after the morning rush and a threatening Hannah with a coffee pot in one hand and a French press in the other.


End file.
